Messages to My Youngers Self – 19

I’m not sure what to tell you, Alice.  It’s not really going to be a good year.

To be perfectly honest, it’s probably going to be the worst year of your life (stick it out until July).

(Although, you do have tickets to see Ed Sheeran in November, and that’ll be pretty good.)

Let’s start at the beginning.  You need to break up with that boyfriend, because you’re not in love with him.  Yes, he’s got a nice face, and you have fun, but he’s not the one you want.  Sadly, you can’t hear me through the realms of time and space, and you have to be able to make your own mistakes.  But they’re such silly mistakes, Alice.  Look in the mirror – you know what you want.

And that’s not to say that is the right answer either.  You’re in love with someone who appears to not love you back – oh, by the way, he does, there’s a mindfuck for you in 5 years’ time. You two are the most toxic couple the world has ever seen – through no fault of yours or his.  You are not good for each other.  You are not Edward and Bella.  You are not Bridget Jones and Daniel Cleaver (he would definitely be Daniel Cleaver).  You are not Romeo and Juliet (though, that would probably be where things ended up if you got what you wanted, and that is not an exaggeration).  Drop it.  In five years’ time you’ll both be able to meet up and laugh about it, and that’s a good thing, so for your own sake, drop it.

There are going to be times this year where you want to run.  Not in the good, let’s lose weight and exercise way, but in the “I need to not be here anymore” way.  You’ll run to the top of the stairs and slam the door like the petty teenager you’re still allowed to be, but you can’t get away from any of it.  It’s in your head.

The swarming of the noise and the thoughts and the worry and the fear and the “i’m not good enough” and the “nobody loves me enough” and the “am I ever going to be enough”.

But this is a big thing, Alice.  Your skitziness is finally going to get a name.  It’s Generalised Anxiety Disorder and Depression.  They’re scary words you hear on the news and in the media but they’re you, too.  And they’re the most comforting words you’ll ever hear because It has a name and that name means someone somewhere understands.  A doctor who sees your blotchy face, at the end of your tether after one of the worst attacks, is going to give you a box of magic pills and they really are -magic.

You’ll get a social life.  You’ll go out.  You’ll be able to get drunk.  No, these aren’t the most important things, but the knocking down of the barriers will be huge for you.  After the first couple of weeks, anyway.

You will break up with the boyfriend after he does something you never thought he was capable of.  But that will be it – problem solved, journey over, no going back.  You’ll give him his stuff back, you’ll slam the door in his unapologetic face and you will never regret it for a second.

You will get an internship for a job that does you so much good, and makes you some of the best friends you’ll have.  You’ll lose touch with most, but one (the one who probably shouldn’t) will still be there, and you’ll be thrilled to have him your life.  Think of that when you meet him at his birthday party.

You’ll realise, Alice, that there are several men mentioned in this chapter. This is the start of a new chapter in your life; Single Alice.  Single Alice doesn’t stick around for very long and make the most of her, because she’ll lead to a lot of fun.  You’ll think your heart is getting broken a couple of times, but really it’s just your pride. Men don’t have to fall in love with you, just like sex doesn’t have to mean love.

Own it, woman, because you’re a goddess.

4 thoughts on “Messages to My Youngers Self – 19

  1. twentysomethingtenacity says:

    “It has a name” and the relief that thought brought me, as a small 15 year old who couldn’t understand why she would start gasping and shaking after walking into a party, is something I’ll never forget.

    These are so wonderful. How are you feeling about them? I like that you’re not framing anything as a regret, it’s written in a very uplifting and hopeful way. You’re awesome 💙👌

    Liked by 1 person

    • millerralice says:

      The relief is a very weird feeling isn’t it? On the one hand there are these big scary words ANXIETY and DEPRESSION but actually it’s soothing to know that what you’re going through is real, and not attention seeking, you’re not going mad and you’re not going to die.

      It’s taken me a little while to reply to this, because I was trying to work out how I feel about it.
      I think I feel good – it’s almost like getting something off my chest. Like, acknowledging things that can be seen as mistakes, but almost teaching myself how to adapt to them. It’s a bit weird really.
      I was talking to the boyf about it, and he asked me if I could take my own advice, would I? And to be honest, no. I don’t regret anything, because it’s brought me to exactly where I am now – and while that’s not perfect, it’s pretty good really!

      Thank you so much, as always, for reading and commenting 🙂 x

      Liked by 1 person

      • twentysomethingtenacity says:

        Those are my feelings about it exactly! Yeah, it’s scary, for sure. I cried for hours when I got home from that diagnostic appointment, but I also was finally able to do research! This is a real thing that has tools and tips and medications and other various answers to questions that had been bouncing around in my mind.

        I never need an immediate reply to anything, we’re all busy and have lives and need to process things. Just because it’s been written about on our blogs, doesn’t mean we’ve fully explored it ourselves and how we feel about things.

        I feel like I give excellent advice… to others. I feel like there’s a block between watching other people utilize my advice and succeed from it vs. even being willing to try my own advice. We are strange creatures. I do think that if future (now) me went to 18 year old me and told me that ‘great things are in store, please don’t try to kill yourself’, I might have listened, but on the whole I’d probably feel the same as you do.

        I love your writing, I’ll always be around to comment! Glad we connected and thankful for our interactions 🙂 ❤

        Liked by 1 person

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