I started my new blog in the hope of leaving the past behind. My intentions with my previous account (Babbitty Alice) were always good – it was an outlet for the pain I was feeling. And to an extent, the pain I still feel. Blogging helps me to release the excess energy and emotions that, for some reason, my big ol’ brain can’t contain.
I’ve wanted a fresh start for a long time, but that big ol’ brain can’t help but keep hold of things. I didn’t find CBT to be much help, I didn’t really feel that talking was doing much good, apart from making me relive moments over and over again. I have plenty of panic attacks without repeating them.
Yesterday I took the first step to getting somewhere – I’ve felt flat and uninspired for a long time. I’d start blog posts and leave them be, unable to finish and unable to work out what I actually wanted to say. Then yesterday things started to get better.
Yesterday I faced my demon. My war, my grief and my pain. I met the man behind the stories, the nightmares and the tears for the first time in three years. The thing you need to know about this man, before you think I’m an idiot, is that he didn’t mean to cause my pain – I was just caught in his crossfire. I was in love with an alcoholic, who was incapable of loving me back. And yesterday I saw him again.
In three years, I have only seen him in pictures on instagram, and in my nightmares. And of course, nightmares play every dirty, horrible image over and over and make you feel every inch of the agony and fear. They catapult you back to the worst moments of your life. And so for a long time, I would only have to smell his aftershave to be back in that moment. I was once in his hometown for a meeting with work and spent the afternoon dripping in sweat at the minute chance I’d bump into him.
And yet yesterday afternoon, I walked to a coffee shop on Southbank (disastrously late, Bridget-Jones style), sat down at a table opposite him, and talked about those feelings. I accepted his very humble, honest and brutal account of the time we both lived through, and then his apology. And it was the best thing I’ve ever done.
Knowing that he never meant to hurt me, that actually it wasn’t all in my head, that there was love that wasn’t all one-sided and that there was nothing more I could have done…I’m free. I laughed a lot, I cried a little, but most importantly I forgave.
I thought I’d be angry forever. I thought I’d never heal, and yet today…Today I feel like that while a fresh start might not be entirely achieveable, I can finally move on.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you’ll find, you get what you need. – The Rolling Stones.